I thought that when treatment ended, I might wake up one morning and feel like myself again. I imagined I would recognise my body, my face, and the person looking back at me in the mirror. I thought finishing treatment would make everything feel lighter.
But it didn’t happen that way.
I felt grateful. And I also felt deeply sad. Even now, I’m still waking up to everything I lived through, still trying to understand that it happened to me. I think I’m still trying to accept it.
Some of the hardest things didn’t end when treatment did. I’m still afraid the cancer could come back. I’m still far from Ecuador and from the people who feel like home. I’m trying to find work and stability, while learning to be patient with myself and with a body that hasn’t become what I imagined it would be.
I also began to notice that some parts of my old life no longer fit in the same way. Friendships, family relationships, and the dreams I once had started to feel different in the reality I was living. I still don’t know what belongs in this next chapter. It has been hard to accept that I may not return to exactly who I was before, or that things may not unfold the way I once imagined.
I wish the people around me had understood how much pain I was in. I felt deeply sad, angry, alone, and sometimes abandoned. I didn’t need to be told to be strong. I needed room to let the words out without having to make them sound hopeful or easy to hear. I wish the people close to me had found ways to be more present that felt loving to me.
I don’t have a clear answer about what helped. I’m still trying to understand that, too.
For now, making room for a new chapter means remembering that my life still holds choices. Cancer is part of my story, but it isn’t all of my story, and it doesn’t have to be the end. Maybe this next chapter is about choosing myself again and asking what I want now. The word rebirth comes to mind, though I’m still discovering what it means to me.
I’m not starting again with everything figured out. I’m still in the middle of this process, making room for what comes next.